Seeking Boyfriend.

Today I am going to do, what every single girl out there wants to do. Advertise myself. I am in need of a boyfriend. It is high time I learn something about forming and mainting interpersonal relationships, and not just the ones that you get by default ( like family). I have great friends, but they all are lethargic goodfornothing friends. I have been desperately seeking a partner for so long, but only help that I got was some bullshit 'kind' words and more 'best' friends. I am tired of being single. I want to find a partner, and be like that couple on Valentine's day, who pisses everyone off by their intolerable display of 'love'. I want to be corny, I want to write love poems, and I want annoying pet names too.

So here it is, my advertisement. I am going to chalk out some good things about me. If you see what you like, you know where to find me. ( No freaks please, I got enough of my own drama.)

1) Every boy demands for a good looking, sexy, well toned, katrina'ish girlfriend. Today is your lucky day, because I am none of those. I have got enough compliments on being cute, but sexy isnt what I would call myself. Well toned??? Hahahahaha...wait lemme breathe....

Ok, lets face the facts. With me around, you may just never need a bodyguard. You want to scare your annoying neighbourhood kids, try me. You want a live sized pillow to cuddle, try me. You want to feel good about your own health, try me.





Please, under no circumstances think that I will lose weight for you, because many have tried this tactic and failed miserably. Fat acceptance will take you places with me.....just saying.

2) Every boy complains about girlfriend drama. This is clearly my plus point. I have heard so many boys whine about this that I know exactly how to survive a relationship sans drama. I have just never got the opportunity to test it. Being single for so long has significantly lowered my expectations. Things that might tick off other girlfriends, may fail to even alert my numbed feminine brain. I do not expect you to celebrate monthly anniversaries, or splurge money on me. Just remember my birthday, and we are good to go.

3) I am crazy loyal. I have had same set of best friends for ages now and mom too. My feelings for people are consistent and they hardly ever change.




If I like you, and I tell you that, believe me. It will be the most genuine thing you will hear from me, and I do speak a lot of crap. Fidelity would never be an issue with me, because even if I want to cheat, no boy would cheat with me. So you are safe on that front.

4) I am flexible. I do not mean physically so stop visualising and wipe that smirk. I listen to diverse kinds and genres of music, I read anything that I can lay my hands on, I can watch any movie (ok...exception jet li movies and the following:
a) I do not understand abstract art, poems, prose, songs, etc. But I can fake my way through it.
b) If you are a nature lover and want to go trekking, do not expect me to join along. I have no intentions of living like a homeless person and indulging in physical work at the same time. I can not kill birds and still be appreciating nature.
c) Social causes people, I dont give a damn. Seriously, dont show me the pictures, I just dont. If you are one of those sheeples, who joins some social cause because it is popular right now ( read the tiger thingy), or feel that just because you are part of their facebook page makes you socially aware and responsible, expect some hardcore pointing and laughing.)




Other than that, I can mould myself into just about anything. Little bit of conditioning and alcohol.

5) As you might have already inferred, I have an awesome personality. No, seriously. I can make people laugh, annoy them, and get some sadistic pleasure out of their misery at the same time. (Ask my students). Apart from my frequent emotional breakdowns, panic attacks, histrionic predisposition, and emotional manipulation, I am completely normal. A little bit of diva dance didnt hurt any one. (And my morose poems are not signs of depression, you overanalysing fucktards...aaah...relief). My mom says I am cool, I must be.


So, if you read anything you may have liked, please, send me a private message. I am waiting. ( However, if I dont reply to your coughpervertedcough messages, dont mind me. I am desperate, not dead.)

Red Clown Shoes

No hope, nothing to look forward to,
No dreams, nothing to cry for,
No tears, all dried up,
Only grief, to smother my heart.

One shouted,
"Attention seeker, attention seeker"
One screamed,
"Whiner, whiner"
I whimpered,
"I just wanted to share..."

One advised,
"Don't be stupid"
One pleaded,
"Listen to my song"
I whispered,
"What about about my hug?"

Just like a circus, with me at the center.
A sad clown, with the smile painted.
I sing, I dance, I entertain
With my over sized red shoes, I pretend.

But a secret still hides within me
A little morbid, little relieving.
I close my eyes, the knowing smile emerges.
Soon it will be time to hang up my red shoes, and stop the pretense.

Until then.....

No hope, nothing to look forward to,
No dreams, nothing to cry for,
No tears, all dried up,
Only grief, to smother my heart.

An Inexcusably Large existence!

As the name suggests, this is about being large. My existence has been bounded by the size of my body and life experiences have been dictated by the limitations of the same. My experience as a large person has been like a box of assorted chocolates. Some days are like caramel filled rich coco experience and others are like dark bitter chocolates. But with the increasing obsession with size zero, I feel that my ‘kind’ is becoming extinct. I am writing this article to publicize size O, a new name for the Obese.

Now keeping in theme of this advert, let me point out some things to look forward to when one reaches the almost sinful size O.

* Expect weight loss tips from the most unexpected people like taxi drivers, a lecture on perils of heart diseases by your maid, and the benefits of power walk by your night watchman.



* Expect dirty looks from fellow commuters on trains and buses for illegal encroachment of space.



* Look forward to the delightful shopping experience characterized by searching for plus size clothes in a nation obsessed with size 0.



* Expect significantly deflated self esteem sponsored by constant doubts expressed by your relatives regarding your prospects about marriage.



* Expect a sudden aversion to plastic chairs, spandex, and anything that has a potential of humiliating your body type.




Keeping all jokes aside, it is time for all the gorgeous overweight people to come together and fight this monopolization of the size zero brigade. We are humans too and want same respect and a dignified existence. Enough of the snickering and pitiful or accusing glances! We want clothes of our size, assurance of good quality chairs in all public places, equal representation in media (not just as a means of comic relief) and ban on fat jokes. We want acceptance, we want approval, and we want appreciation as fellow human beings.

Being overweight is unhealthy, but being a healthy inconsiderate human is almost injurious to humanity itself. I am tired of being dictated by others regarding how am I supposed to feel about my body. I have tried all my life to be normal, a normality, whose credit is based solely on majority. I want to love myself for who I am and not because I managed to become what others wanted me to be like. I want to feel empowered and courageous enough to accept me for me. The entire negativity towards the overweight people is extremely disturbing and calls to mind an approach to life which is based purely on aesthetics and devoid of any soul.

I am fat. I don't feel burdened by it and I don't think it's a huge responsibility. It's part of who I am. It does not define me. I am a phenomenal human, I am God’s child, I am a contributing member of this society, and the keeper of my dreams. I refuse to be limited by the restricted convictions of others and yearn to be boundless to fulfill my destiny without the feeling of inadequacy for my own body. My large existence is inexcusable to many, but for me, it is the only truth I have known about myself. It is me.

Dealbreaker Boyfriends!!!

Ok, I know that it is absolutely corny to write blogs about boyfriends, especially when one is SINGLE! But, I am going to dust my shoulders, wear my denial glasses, and march forward. This blog is about boyfriends who are absolutely a no-no. I have broadly categorised them into five sections (why five? Well because I have life, unlike some of you. Ok, couldn’t think of more categories.). Now, I am not going to name any names because I am a lady (ok, stop laughing people and focus), and discretion is something I didn’t inherit from my mom, but I am going to try.

So, without further ado, here are my dealbreaker boyfriends…


DB 1. GEEKY RETARD:

It is a complete dealbreaker if your boyfriend is socially inept to the point that he communicates to you through some weird computer codes, or worse, a star wars/trek language. If the most he can come up with is, “my system shuts down every time you walk into the room”, then its time to run. I like guys who are passionate about some thing in life, even if it is about watching some stupid sci- fi movie which was released like four decades ago. But, just because you are not exposed to sunlight since your parents got you internet connection, doesn’t mean you are allowed to say things like “I am shutting down and restarting in diagnostic mode” to indicate that you are in a foul mood. What they need is some rapid course in communication skills and girls, its time to reboot.
And you know what? Anime sucks! You regressed fuckwads, its animated, get over it. Now that I have it off my chest, I feel better.





DB 2. EMOTIONALLY RETARDED:

I know many of us come across such guys. I will admit there are girls who come in this category too but that’s another blog altogether. These species of guys will never ever let their girlfriends know what they are feeling. It’s like they have this in built emotional dumper where they just dump all possible emotions, and I have strong feeling it comes out when they poop. God forbid if they ever smile, get angry, or even upset. All they can muster every time is ‘its all good’. I can get more emotions out of dead cockroach in my bathroom than these guys. It almost makes one feel that this person must be inhuman or something. But no, wait a minute. Just observe this man while watching a football game. Intense emotions pour out which would put even a jihadi to shame. Nothing is more pitiful than to see a grown man cry over men who wear shorts for a living.





DB 3. COMMITMENT PHOBIC:

I have always stated that there is no term called commitment phobia. Its not there in DSM IV and I am not buying it. When a person uses that word, it basically means, they are emotionally obese, whether it’s a guy or a gal. These people are just too lethargic to search deep within themselves for reasons they cannot commit and just label it with something a goodfornothingfucktard term called commitment phobia. I will seriously bite the next person who uses this term. This type of boyfriend cheats. He is designed to cheat. He has already stated that he can’t commit, so he will cheat. He will flirt with your girlfriends, your enemies, your neighbour’s daughter, your neighbour’s wife, even your neighbour’s grandmother. No one is safe. Even if we do confront him about it, hey, he is commitment phobic remember? He is as committed to you, as Britney Spears is to her parenting skills. And don’t even think that this guy will ever settle down with you. Because he will find the stupidest reasons to flake on you and it may involve other girl, other girls or your neighbour’s grandmother.





DB 4. CHEAPSKATE/FREELOADERr:

This type of a boyfriend is such a turnoff, its like watching Pamela Anderson without her boob job (holyfuckinggodNO!). This is the guy who will say things like, “baby, you know I don’t like celebrating Valentines Day, it’s not real. Everyday is valentine’s day for us”. Ok, fucktard, then you owe me 375 roses already. Let’s keep Valentine’s Day out of this. But is it really that hard to get a rose once in six months? That ten rupees investment, just might take you places you know. I admit there are some annoying girlfriends who want to celebrate their monthly and weekly anniversaries; they need to be punched in their babymaker. But I am talking about normal girlfriends here, who’s only demand is some kind of tangible interpersonal validation.



I believe in equality. I believe that a couple should split their bills. I don’t think it’s appropriate for the guy to pay each time. No one should date freeloaders. Period.


DB 5. The OBSESSIVE/CLINGY MONSTERr:

I call this type a monster, because guys belonging to this category are in every sense the scariest people I have ever met. Their over attentiveness is adorable at first, but slowly, it starts consuming you. They are the sorts, who give other guys a bad name. They make breaking up so hard, that they will not only call your best friend and cry to her, but also threaten to kill her in the same call. They are likely to blame everyone else for their failed relationship, but themselves. These guys like to keep their girls on a tight leash, calling every hour, even if she is just attending her watchman’s funeral. On a normal day, they are like the perfect boyfriend, which gives them a creepy Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde kind of air. If your boyfriend insists on checking your cell phone, your emails, your chat history, isolating you from your friends, and tabbing your each and every moment I am afraid, its time to RUN!




This was indeed very much one sided. I would like it if others could give me their input. Anything crazier experienced by anyone???


PS: I would like to thank Mishti, Suku, and Shahnaz for their input.









Disclaimer: No boyfriends were harmed, tortured or killed during the writing of this blog.




I am bored. Seriously.

Ok, I will stop now.

Some creative ways to die....

Now, I know, this is a very morbid topic, and it DOES NOT anyway reflect that I want to kill myself or something like that. Suicide is a crime. My mother didn’t go through those tedious nine months and the subsequent labour to just see me waste myself. Rather, I think she did that, because of lack of contraceptives on that particular night, but that’s completely another story. So, moving ahead, this is not a pro suicide blog. But if someone has made up their mind to kill themselves, it’s only appropriate that I share my knowledge and ease up the process.

Before writing this, I did my extensive research on the topic. All these pro suicide websites are full of @#$%. They don’t know what they are talking about. See, I would never trust anyone who has devoted an entire website to helping people commit suicide. This is where I come in. I am your regular friendly, sweet, altruistic girl, who is trying to make this world a better place. You CAN trust me. So here we go….


See, jumping from a rooftop, terrace, or just your window is the most common and unimaginative thing one can do. I mean no disrespect to other peeps that have done that, but seriously, some creativity, would do no harm. It is after all the last thing people would remember you by. Do you want to be remembered for a person who just jumped from his balcony? Or someone, who ingeniously masturbated himself to death?

It’s very easy. If you start with shagging yourself at least fifteen times a day, there would come a time, when your body would just give up. It’s rather a slow death, but you can always make it interesting by watching some good porn.


Taking poisons is so passé. First of all, poisons are not readily available. The most one can do is eat enough apple seeds and wait. In all probability, you will only see those seeds, when you take your crap the next day, and yes, you would still be alive. How about a vodka enema? It’s a very easy procedure. Get an adult enema kit. You can always tell the chemist it’s for you grandmother. Then you can buy some good vodka (at least don’t be cheap here, it’s a matter of ‘life and death’) and tell them it’s for your grandmother. Now, drill some enema in your ass. I am not going to lie to you. It is going to burn like shit. It will slowly burn your insides, and if you continue the procedure, you are bound to die.


If you don’t die, you might have some problem sitting down in future. Err, if you like how it feels, it can become your new erotic fantasy, and maybe then you wouldn’t have to commit suicide.

Overdosing on sleeping pills is seriously stupid. If the last thing you want to do before you die is sleep, then hell yes, you might as well die. This idea is for some peppy suicide ideas seekers. You want to die??? Listen to Kevin Federline (you know, that kid who married Britney) rap.


If that won’t do it, then watch the movie Glitter. If that won’t do it, then watch my mom do the Soulja Boy dance. That would kill the strongest of motherfuckers.




Here it is people, some really cool ways of dieing. Err; I know it says that I am learning to be a counsellor. So, to be morally and ethically safe, I would just like to add that, if you do feel like killing yourself; get in touch with your friends, parents, relatives, priest, counsellor, basically some human being who won’t nudge you off that balcony.

I RUN....

As the rain drops grace my face
With each droplet, I feel the pain
My hands are numb and cold
But my heart is blazing with ache

So, I run…

I can feel the intensity
Overpowering each fiber of my being
I can sense it triumphing
Suffocating the life out of me

So, I run…

The truth is getting naked
Feelings are turning to guilt
My tears are mixing with rain
As my heart is being undressed

So, I run…

I plead, I cry, I scream
Hoping this will soon end
My breathing is getting heavy
I am choking away my shame

So, I run

This is what I chose
The passion is undesirable
My body trembles as I search for you
While I run away from my ghosts

So, I run…


Enough of the hide and seek
The emotional duel is draining
I pray for a new beginning
I pray for a new me.

So, I stop running for me.

A Note....

I will always remember...

The first time we met
When you proved me wrong
Your touch made me believe again
You made me strong.

I will always remember...

The sweet things you whispered in my ears
When you reached out to me
You clawed through the wall
You took me by surprise, you shook my very being.

I will always remember...

The first time you kissed me
When you touched my soul
You aroused these feelings in me
Leaving me yearning for more.

I will always remember...

The day you said the ‘L’ word
When you said I was special
You said you can feel my heart beat
Beating with the rhythm of your own heart.

I will always remember...

The day you had to leave
When you forced yourself to say goodbye
You looked torn, sad, and hopeful
The only time I cried.

I will always remember...

You
Us
Thank you.